Challenges with Sex

Because many people rarely talk about their Sex and most of us are carrying the weight of cultural sexual shame or repression, lineage burdens, the effects of secrecy, mis-education or no education at all, we often fail to realise that it's really normal to experience challenges with Sex. These challenges can be physical, emotional, cognitive or spiritual in nature.

Too sexual? Not sexual enough? Pain? Lack of Interest? Should I change for my partner? Should they change for me? Is something wrong with me?

Many female-bodied people experience a tight or painful vagina, Vaginismus, Vulvodynia, a lack of lubrication, a loss of voice, unpleasant sexual experiences, body shame, low sexual desire or arousal, lack of pleasure, feelings of being frozen, dissociation, or struggle to find ways to be both sexually expressed and to keep themselves safe. They may also slut-shame themselves or feel a need to hide their inherent sexual nature or feel dissatisfied sexually with their partners.

Many male-bodied people feel an incredible pressure to perform, initiate, be the dominant partner or to second guess their partner's needs and can struggle with erectile function, premature ejaculation, shame, feelings of being a perpetrator, sexual shut-down, an inability to love and be sexual with the same woman, addictive use of pornography or sexual distractions, difficulty expressing or accessing their emotions or fear of asking for what they truly desire. They may also feel they are not getting the sex they want and struggle to navigate the gap with their partners.

Our feelings about our sexuality are a gateway to our healing.

• Many of us feel alone and unsexy or unlovable, whether or not we are in a relationship.
• Some of us feel unconfident sexually, especially if we’ve never had a consistent sexual partner, feel inexperienced, have received negative feedback, were a “late bloomer” or have had very few, or unsatisfying experiences.
• Some of us have guarded against the possibility of finding a truly fulfilling sexual relationship with another or with ourselves because it’s safer than facing rejection again.
• Some of us accept sexual dissatisfaction because we want to avoid conflict with our partners and lack the skills to express ourselves and find solutions to problems in healthy ways.
• Some of us feel pressured by our partners to do things we don’t want to do or feel rejected by our partners sexually and go into fight or withdrawal.
• Many of us struggle to relax and be present in our bodies sufficiently to reach the levels of pleasure that is our birthright as a human being. We lack boundaries and a safe container and end up stuck in our heads.
• Few of us can talk comfortably about our genitals and hold shame about our sexuality.
• Most of us have one or more parts that are conflicted around our sexuality.
• Orgasm can feel illusive, like a pressure, an addiction, a right to override the needs or boundaries of another, wonderful, disappointing or an experience of expansion and spiritual deepening. 
• Sometimes sex isn't a part of our lives and we feel dulled, disconnected, in denial, closed-off or like a victim. 
• Sometimes sex is genuinely not our priority and our bodies are lacking resources or need the permission to focus elsewhere to right another area of our life.

In sessions we get curious about what our bodies and our parts are needing or wanting to communicate

In Psychosexual Somatics® Therapy (PST) and Internal Family Systems we don't see dysfunction, we see protection and we see the good intention of our parts.

We know the body is doing its best to keep you safe in the ways it learned from the past. It needs support and increased safety to learn to relax and open up to the joys of sexual connection and pleasure or to defend against boundary violations. You are the one who needs to learn to provide it that.

We take Neuroscience, Polyvagal theory, Somatic Experiencing, Attachment Theory, Relationship science, Trauma awareness, Insight work and Direct Access to create a supported inquiry into your personal body experience, allowing your body and parts to speak their truth so you can learn to build safety for yourself and work towards increasing capacity for pleasure and play.

Your body is a survival genius.

We will also look at the polarisations between the parts that want to be sexual or to connect and the ones that don't. In time we support the system to relax so there is more space for feeling and more strength for tolerating the vulnerability of being truly intimate with another.