Understanding Consent

Consent is a critical subject in regards our internal family system and our sexuality. Our many different parts have different needs, wants and boundaries. Self-leadership is about developing relationship with all our parts, learning to hear from the quieter voices and to lead or negotiate for experiences on behalf of all of our parts.

The Self is the internal, unconditionally-loving parent that many of us never had consistently. It helps us have the courage to speak up, the compassion to accept our own vulnerabilities (and others) and the patience to take our time to find decisions and actions that are acceptable to all our parts. It supports us to hold our  boundaries or to find a route to healing or repair when others cross them.

When our boundaries are crossed, knowingly or otherwise, by ourselves or others, we are likely to get triggered or to have what’s known as “kick-back” in the system. This is a strong response, not always pleasant, from parts who were not in consent to what happened or didn’t feel considered or consulted.

Learning our boundaries and recognising their fluidity is a process

Navigating decision making, including but not limited to sexual decision making, can be difficult when we have different parts with polarised or conflicting needs.

We may find we speak from one part and later discover the feelings of another. We may give our partners mixed messages. We may not give our partners enough information about our internal feelings to inform their actions. We may then foster resentment or fear.

Learning to be in consent is an ongoing process of discussing boundaries and what you’re comfortable with internally and then externally (or simultaneously as you become more proficient).

Consent means choosing for something to happen.

Many people’s sexual experiences are non consensual; not because there is abuse or attack, although that can happen, but because developmental trauma has created burdens in the system that stop a person from knowing what they really want and like and how to communicate it or to handle another’s distressed feelings if desires are not compatible in the moment.

Grief is a normal and healthy part of the healing process when we start to realise the times and ways that we’ve been out of consent in our relationships and either been overpowered or overridden, have mistreated someone else against our parts own ethics or have simply been unable to envisage a different and more satisfying way of relating, perhaps accepting something that was harmful to our parts without the strength to say no, or having our “no” ignored.

I will do my best to create a space for and then teach you ways to hear your own quieter voices and to develop the strength and communication skills to assert yourself in healthy ways inside and outside your intimate experiences.